I don’t have adhd, but then again I do. It’s my partner that actually has adhd. Adhd however, when not managed and when the one with it is unwilling to help himself, to fully acknowledge the complications, stress and the total dysfunction that it places on those around him. It means everyone in the family suffers from adhd.
My partner of 4yrs now, who I love so very much despite all the negative I’m about to tell you. He not only has adhd he has schizophrenia, depression and has spent most of the past 10yrs on drugs. He loves me very much too and is sort of trying hard to make our life better, happier.
The worst part would be the drug usage, and the lies and dysfunction that come with it. If he could get control over it, and shared the same view I have. One that is drug free, I believe the other medical issues we have would not be so draining, stressful and just plain unbearable at times. But he can’t even admit to himself that he is a drug addict and has well and truly lost control of it. He can’t see how it is destroying us. How it steals your soul, and although whilst on the high it gives the illusion that it is helping you to get through what ever it is you need help with. And gives the illusion that it fixes your problems and makes your life better. In reality it is robbing you of any true happiness, and giving you a life not worth living. It causes hate, resentment, greed, lies, and doubt in your relationship. And lets not forget the anger and violence it causes. It is making us people who we are not. It is destroying us and making us destroy each other. Not only are we bruised and battered on the inside, because of the drugs we are now quiet often bruised and battered on the outside, we are left with ugly black and purple marks and scars which we hide from the world. And while all this is going on two beautiful, innocent, confused and scared children are holding their breaths in the shadows. I see all this and I desperately want it to stop. I’m so over the cycle, we just keep going round and around. I know I have the strength to say no more, but unfortunately my partner doesn’t seem to see any of this, nor does he have the strength to stop. I pray and hope and dream of a different life. A life I have been fortunate enough to have glimpses of. A month here or two or three months there, sometimes only a day or two here and there. Those days and months although so few and far between were all I wanted in life. They were my dream come true, my happiest days. Life in our household was and had everything that we need on those days. Well for almost all of us. One of us was only pretending. That’s why it doesn’t last long, he can only keep pretenses up for a while. Then he runs back to where he feels comfortable, his viscous cycle of drugs and sleeping, depression and darkness. Always in the dark.
I keep telling him what I want out of life. What type of life I want to live. The type of person I want standing beside me. And if he can’t be what I need and want or doesn’t want to be that, then we have to go our separate ways, partially or completely. But he won’t leave, he won’t be what I want and I am dying because I am powerless to change my environment, powerless to change my children’s environment, powerless to live my life to a standard acceptable to myself, powerless to fix my unhappiness and misery. It is all his way, and his way has destroyed me. I try to compromise and he doesn’t like what I want so nothing changes. He sees I’m miserable yet is happy to continue giving me a miserable life. It is becoming to the point where I was with my ex. I am starting to resent him, dislike him, and as sad as I am to admit it, my love is fading. I don’t admire him any more, I don’t idolize him any more, all the little things are becoming big things and annoying me. Making me dislike him. My smiles have become fake. That is really sad and makes me cry to think about. My smiles are fake. I swore I would not stay in another relationship were I feel like this. Not after I felt so good when I first meet him and for 3 years. He made me smile like no one else has, but not for a long time now. I was sure I was strong enough to not be in this position again, but here I am. To dam scared to just end the relationship, so scared of the unknown, desperately and pathetically hoping he is my gift from god, my savior, my soul mate,my support, my one person who I can trust, rely on, draw strength from, who believes in me, loves me, who I’m proud of and together we build a life I dreamed of, the turning point in my life where things turned out great for me. Where finally the good karma came my way. I so desperately want a life like everyone else. A life similar to the one with my ex, but with a man I absolutely adore and love and am so happy to tell people how proud of him I am, tell them how truly good to me he is, how he loves me so, how I am truly happy. (without the fake smile and lying in my heart ) And I so desperately want it to be him, I don’t want any one else. He is the man I want, but without the drugs and adhd and schizophrenia. How long will I carry on like this, how long will I live in misery again. It destroys me, this whole charade I’m living. I feel so pathetic, weak, disappointed, angry that I have allowed this to happen again, so angry for putting my children through this. Suffering, miserable, hurt, lonely, let down, living a lie all because I just can’t bring myself to hurt him. I don’t want to cause him pain, I don’t want to leave him lonely. I know he won’t survive well without me. He will make my life even more miserable with his anger. And when he is on drugs and feeling hurt and betrayed, he does things to hurt me, to cause me trouble, he’ll stalk me, come into my home whenever he wants, play mind games with me, he will walk all over me and quiet frankly I don’t think I’m strong enough. He is to smart for me and he will make me pay for leaving him. Off drugs of course he is no such nightmare. But if I leave him he’ll be on it all most all the time as he won’t be able to cope with me leaving. And I don’t want this, I don’t want to leave, but I have nothing left to give, I can’t support him any more. And I can’t keep living in such unhappiness, while he continues to offer me a miserable life and most of all while he continues to lie to me and to let me down.
These are really hard times for us all. I have no idea what it’s like to be him. I feel really sad for him. And wish I could just fix it but I can’t. I just get to stand by and watch, in frustration, anger, resentment, disappointment and loneliness. Meanwhile all these feeling are eating away at me. I spend most days when he decides to sleep for a week or more with my insides churning. I can’t stand what he is doing, I can’t even express how much I hate it. He literately comes out to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and use the toilet and that’s it. It drives me crazy, disappoints me and makes me despise him for not being energetic and having a plan and wanting to do something and I can’t go into my bedroom, it’s always in the dark. That I really struggle with, he keeps the curtains closed constantly. I love sunshine and day light, I need it, it helps to chase away my depressive thoughts and negativeness. It makes me feel good, alive and happy. And he robs me of it. And if I ask him to go home and sleep it ends up with me the bad person and me crying and miserable and he just goes and sleeps some more or he does go home because we fight so bad and he just gets on the drugs so he doesn’t have to deal with anything.
This is how I feel most of the time. Although I know he is trying, progress is extremely slow. It’s like one step forward and hundred back. And the steps forward are few and far between. It depresses me and disappoints me. I know it’s not realistic but I want that magic pill that will just fix everything in a short time. I spend most of my time in despair that we will never have a non dysfunctional family life. I am also extremely lonely. I feel my life and who I am has been shredded beyond recognition. He is so difficult on so many levels and I’m not really sure this is what I want for my life. I don’t want constant struggle, hard work unhappiness. He is like my third child, he is a burden on me. How am I going to hold on to the love I have for him when I feel such an overwhelming strength telling me its not what I want. It’s all hard work, pain, hurt, tears, effort, frustration, anger, just 100% miserable, for very little reward. I know he loves me, but it’s not enough for me. I’m not that person, I wish I was, but I need things too and my needs don’t get met. I have a way I do things how I need thing so I can get by in this life and they come second to him. I spend all my life, effort, focus trying to accommodate his needs, yet mine don’t matter. And for all I do for him, for us. The support and appreciation is only there maybe 5% percent of the time for me. And the support for him is dwindling also. After giving him everything I could to help and support and just be there for him, for 4 and a half years I know the past few months he is also lacking in support I’m struggling to be there for him when I am so destroyed personally. It feels pointless as my resentment and weariness grow stronger my will to be there for him fades. I’ve given up a lot, to try and make him happy, my children suffer they almost always come second to his needs, they have to live in an environment with someone they don’t really like.(they like him when he is
‘normal’, focused and seems content and happy to participate in life, but days when he is like this are minimal) My son struggles to understand why I drop everything for him when all we do is fight and he makes me so miserable and upset. He is always saying “Are you OK mum, you sure?” And I have to struggle with the guilt that I know I’m not making the best and right decisions for my children. I have no friends any more, My partner has no friends and never socializes or wants to go out never once in our relationship has he come with me to a social engagement that were for my friends (which I used to have) and only once really which was for my brothers wedding. I don’t socialize any more, I’m not who I was three years ago. I am scared of the future, we have no goals.( and if we try to make them he starts off well, then they just fall in a heap, or he just binges for weeks and sleeps for weeks and I’m just expected to put my whole life on hold) The result of the constant mayhem that is our life for me the whole lot has just manifested itself into a profound grief. I am suicidal often however I know I can’t leave because I just couldn’t do that to my children. And the thought of keeping myself going for everyone else and in the environment we have now is overwhelming me and really frightening me. It’s not fair. I have my own problems and no support. And I know he means well and does love me, but he can’t get past doing what he wants, or what he needs to be there for me. I stay with him because I love him and desperately want to help him find contentment and true joy and be his rock and the thought of not having him by my side brings feeling like I could never imagine, horrible, sick in the stomach, how will I cope feelings. But at what cost to myself. Life with my partner is like living in a rainy climate. It’s mostly gray and dreary, but once in a while the sun comes out and the world is a beautiful, happy place. I know I should be doing a lot of things different and I know a lot of my responses and attitudes probably make it less likely for him to respond in a positive way. But I feel I have no control, it feels I am being dictated by whether he is managing all his conditions or not. And he refuses to accept that most of our troubles are because he can’t manage his conditions. I understand he is not his symptoms, that he is the most beautiful, caring, loving, driven man I know (hence why I stay and try so hard) but the adhd man and the drug addict man I hate. But he is not willing to deal with and accept the symptoms and accept that they are destroying us. So until he does there is no point to me being there, supporting him, losing myself and my happiness for him. Because nothing will change.
At the beginning of us and when times are good, I pictured us being an awesome team, tackling problems together, building a life together, growing together, supporting each other, being equals. I expect the day to day relationship issues and problems, but I was not prepared for the problems that have come from being with my partner. After time I began to realize that my partner isn’t supportive, he is distant and unemotional, he heavily uses drugs and that’s just the beginning. I feel confused, frustrated and very disappointed. I think often, how can this be my life, I deserve so much more, why does he want to put such problems on me, when he clearly is a train wreak. How can he stand by and watch me suffer, cry, lose who I am, the woman he feel in love with, instead of taking his problems and leave me be. I am so worn down all the hopes and dreams I had about us, about our future are slipping away and becoming just that…dreams. I just don’t have the energy to pursue them any more.
I have become someone I don’t like. I have become a girlfriend I don’t like. I’m not getting the life I dreamt of, or the one he promised me. I am exhausted, and am tired of going round in circles with no promising changes. There for I have become a miserable, resentful, nagging girlfriend, who to him must just seem unsupportive and a kill joy to the life he wants to live. But he won’t accept that he has to make the changes, that he is extremely difficult, that he makes my life harder instead of working together, that his adhd, and drug addiction are the cause of most of our woes.
So if according to him, it all depends on me, it’s all up to me to change my expectations and do things differently. Then I guess I’m just not a big enough person to do it. And I need to walk away. I can do a lot, and I can do more than a lot of people, I am strong willed, and I can work hard and make really hard changes to better myself and my life…………But I can’t do all that for someone else and I simply can’t do everything.