Pink Lake

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Whilst on a family weekend away in Melbourne recently we happened to stumble across this most beautiful pink lake. I just loved it and want to share my find with you all.
Upon arriving at the lake I couldn’t believe it was actually pink. However after getting up close it became clear that it was indeed pink. This lake is located at the base of the Westgate Bridge and has a go kart track right next to it. So my first thoughts were pollution. The lake must be pink due to something un natural being dumped in it. There was also a bad smell. It made the pretty pink lake feel very un pretty.
However after returning home I googled it and was pleasantly surprised to find out it’s not pollution causing the pink colour.
The lake is salt water and is called Saltwater Lake. It’s located in Westgate Park, Port Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. The lake was originally blue, however now depending on temperature and sunlight it varies from hot pink to anaemic blood pink. So what’s behind this natural beauty. Well it’s Dunaliella salina and Halobacterium salinarum, the former a micro-algae, the latter an archaeon. For short we’ll call them Dan and Hal.
Dan leans more to the orange spectrum, Hal leans more to the red and purple spectrum and together they make the lake pink. They’re both terribly fond of salt, which is how they ended up there to begin with. They’re also completely harmless.
Well that wraps up the background info on this natural wonder, and we can enjoy its beauty guilt free knowing it’s caused by Dan and Hal and not pollution.

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Who Am I?…..And what’s my label?

I’ve recently had a birthday and i find myself in the final stages of being in my thirties. One year to go to the big 40. So apparently by age 40 you should have all your shit together. Steady career, married, children, home. Know who you are and what you believe in. Know what you stand for. At peace with where you’ve been and know where your going. Comfortable with who you are inside and out. In my thirties i should of experienced something along the lines of going through some kind of transition and figured out my passions, realize my purpose, and be now focusing on my priorities. I should be a strong confident woman full of wisdom and looking forward to moving into the best years of my life.

So what does one do when they reach age 40 and don’t have all this going on. No career, married yes, but now divorced. Children, check got two of those, and i am grateful to be one of the lucky ones with a home. So i have some of it going on. Why then do i still feel like an 18 year old. Still asking myself what will i be when i grow up. What does one do when they don’t posses the skills to get ones shit together. I know, i hear you ‘Go and learn the skills’. Sound so easy, just learn the skills and start living the expected life.

Well in my 39 years i have learnt many skills and done many things. However i’m still at a point where i just don’t know who i am. Career wise definitely. I literally am still trying to work out what i want to be when i grow up. Unfortunately due to skills lacking in confidence, lacking in know how, lacking in knowing where i fit in the world and  simply not being able to believe in myself. I am resigned to not a career but a job. Something i am comfortable in, keeps centerlink of my back and pays the bills. However there is no pride in having just a job, no passion for what you do day in, day out. Not the kind of stuff that feeds your soul, your inner self. However this isn’t what keeps me up at night. No matter what i do for a living it doesn’t define who i am. Who i really am. That is what keeps me awake at night. Trying to work it all out. Trying to work out where i fit in and who the hell am i.

There are so many labels out there these days. Everyone has a label of some kind. You have diabetes or your overweight or  maybe you have ADHD or dyslexia. Perhaps your an exercise junkie or an alcoholic, suffer anxiety or have OCD. I could go on and on. Well that’s what i have spent my thirties doing trying to work out where i fit in. What’s my label. For some strange reason i believe that if i find my label. If i have a label i’ll be magically fixed and i’ll know who i am and life will just fall into place and i’ll be at peace with who i am, what i have and where i am going.

So what is my label ?

All my life i have felt different. I don’t seem to fit in any where. I don’t seem to be able to work out how to function contently in the world i live in. I don’t like how society tells me i have to live. I’m not saying i don’t want to follow the rules or be a contributing member of my community. I just seem to struggle with so many everyday expectations and that’s what i’m trying to work out. In the past 10 years quiet a few possibilities have come about as to why.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Possibility #1       I was suicidal when i was a teenager. I hated my family, my alcoholic mother, my up bringing. I felt left out constantly with friends, because of my mother’s rules, i felt ugly as i wore glasses and i believed this made me ugly. Also i was told quiet rudely many times i was ugly and worst of all those words came from people who were close to me. I also just had this constant feeling of not wanting to be here. I just found life tiring and worthless, i had no purpose. It was many years later, in my thirties in fact that i discovered i suffer from depression. It comes and goes.

#2                        At age 25 i had my first child. My now 14 year old son. He was a beautiful boy, however he was also a problematic child. He never slept and this lead to me being extremely sleep deprived. I had no friends or family to help me through this difficult time. He had to have gromits. The poor boy couldn’t sleep due to pain in his head, however this was a long process of diagnosis. After that he was diagnosed with sleep apnea, which lead to the removal of his tonsils and adenoids. Around aged around 3 and half we started noticing other problems. Delayed speech, lining up his toys, fussy eating habits. As he became older he began showing more disturbing behaviors. He would fall down for no reason, trip over nothing. Still very poor speech, no eye contact, blaming things like chairs and tables for tripping him up. He really believed they deliberately jumped out on purpose to trip him up. He also showed very little signs of love or affection. Never wanting to give or receive hugs or saying i love you. He was very empty and cold like. I was very concerned he was going to grow up to be  a murder. Finally at age 8 we found out he has Aspergers Syndrome. It was such a relief to have that label. Anyway he has come along way since being diagnosed and i’m proud to say he has grown into a fine young man. Having said that he still has struggles, mostly with the outside world and society. So my reason for telling you all this is, i have come to learn a lot about myself through my sons aspergers. We are very similar and i see now that a lot of my traits and things i do and struggle with are all symptoms of aspergers. So i’m wondering if my label is aspergers. I asked one psychologist and a psychiatrist  both said definitely not as i could look them in the eyes. Something i have forced myself to do growing up as that is what society expects. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. So i was disheartened and have not tried again for an official diagnosis. I believe it is or could most likely be my label, or one of my many labels.

#3               Anxiety. All sorts of situations give me anxiety. From speaking to strangers, teachers, neighbors. Answering the phone or front door. Going to new places. Different routines. The past, the future. Being a parent. The list goes on and on. Although this could come under the label of aspergers as they do go together. Is this my label? Anxiety?

#4               I recently stumbled across some quotes on pininterest. Quotes about introverts. As soon as i read them i felt at home. These quotes were describing me. The not answering the phone, not wanting to stay long at social gatherings. Needing a lot of quiet alone time to recharge myself. I felt like oh maybe this is who i am. An Introvert. It described me to a tee.

I started to feel relieved, a feeling of this is it. This is what I’ve been searching for. Maybe just maybe now i have my label and life will magically be all good. My everyday struggle of trying to fit into a society that doesn’t seem to think like me or feel like i do is over. Well  for about a day it was. Then i went back to feeling inadequate, uncomfortable in this world, sad and still asking myself Who am i ? All i had accomplished was adding another label to my list of possibilities of who i could be. Another label to think about at night. Am i  depression, anxiety. Do i have aspergers, is it because of my bad up bringing, or my lack of friends or support network, perhaps i’m an introvert. Or maybe my label is i’m just a loser, incapable of conforming to the right mold to be happy and content, a model citizen. Maybe i’m just lazy and don’t try hard enough at being what is expected. Maybe I’m a failure. I could be so many labels. And why i believe that if i find the right label it will fix everything, i have no idea. After feeling so positive when i stumbled across the introverts, to then just going back to those feelings that have haunted me most of my life. I began to realize that having a label won’t make any difference to who i am. It won’t fix anything. It won’t free me of all my inadequacy, it won’t free me of myself. However even knowing a label won’t change who i am a part of me still desperately wants to have a label. Then i can say to the world i am this ‘label’ and they will then understand who i am. Then i will no longer feel different, unwanted, outcast. Instead i would know what it feels like to belong.

So who am i?

Well i guess i’m all of the above and so much more. I’ll just have to keep working on my good points and try harder at learning to live with the bad ones. One things for sure though. All my struggles, anxiety, depression and what ever else i am is something today’s society simply doesn’t have time for, a world that will constantly be pushing me to the realm of un comfortableness and constant feelings of being an outcast. The fact is some of us just aren’t wired for how this society runs and no matter how much we work to fit in or work to overcome our differences, we are who we are and just because society says we have to be a certain way doesn’t make it right or us wrong.

Suicide and the Narrative of Choice

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Whilst reading about the tragic death of the great Robin Williams I repeatedly stumbled upon the narrative of choice. Places like Psychcentral spoke about suicide being an “insidious choice”, but a “choice” nonetheless, so much so that they repeated the word to drive the message home. Meanwhile, whilst perusing social media I repeatedly came across variations of “people who commit suicide are selfish”, “how can anyone do that to their family?”. These sorts of comments make me twitchy. We’ve all heard them before.

In my own case they were personalised and weaponised, “How could YOU do that to your children? Do YOU not care about them?” I did, that was the problem. For some time I had felt like a millstone around the necks of my family. I loved them, but hated myself and could only see the ways I made their lives worse. After 2 failed suicide attempts in…

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Spring Has Sprung

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There’s nothing like winter finishing and spring beginning to put the spring back in your step.
It’s like a switch inside me automatically get switched to feel good mode when winter ends. Winter not only brings cold, but a sadness and depression that lingers throughout my insides. And when winter ends it leaves with it. 🙂 It’s might just be the extra boost I need to help me get on track.
Happy (warm) Days are on the way.

Suicide Should Be Something We Celebrate In Some Cases.

Suicide prevention, it’s all you hear these days. After Robin Williams went down that path it’s all anyone can talk about. Most people will not like my opinion, but i just can’t help thinking it’s all very selfish and screams out that society still doesn’t understand. For some of us the reality is that being alive is exhausting and unbearable. It’s a never ending struggle of everything, sometimes with joy and sometimes not, however even with joy it’s not enough to make life bearable. For some people death really is the perfect option.
All this talk about reaching out, seeking help blah, blah blah. I’m sorry but it’s selfish. We don’t want to lose people we love, so we expect them to endure are miserable life, so we don’t have to face losing them.
Why can’t we just accept that they truly are better off. It is the best choice for them. Be happy that they are no longer in suffering. For some people it doesn’t matter how much or often they reach out, or seek help or do whatever us non suicidal people want them to do. The heaviness, the constant struggle, always feeling like you just don’t belong here and really not wanting to be here. It simply becomes a miserable, tiring existence waiting for the day you die and it’s all over and you can be free, and peaceful and just rest. Life is just an unbearable struggle, in which you become so tired from faking it day after day.
Why can’t we just accept and be happy and celebrate the ones we love choice to free themselves. Why should they have to endure a lifetime of misery because majority of us will never understand or know what it feels like and we look upon death as a bad thing and the pure selfish attitude we have. “Well i love you, your family loves you. So therefore you must not kill yourself.” As if somehow being loved is the cure to the endless misery. As with Robin Williams, constant reference is made to how much his wife and children loved him, how much the world loved him. He was famous, rich, funny. He had it all. Surely having the whole package makes life worth living. Reality and what society needs to accept it doesn’t matter what you have or don’t have. No amount of love, support, counseling, laughter, money. Nothing can help. The only relief is suicide. We need to look at it in a whole new light. Suicide isn’t a bad thing. It’s a good thing, yes we’ll be sad and grieve our loss. But if we truly love them, we would want whats best for them. Them being free and peaceful should be a source of joy for us.

My Life With ADHD And More

I don’t have adhd, but then again I do. It’s my partner that actually has adhd. Adhd however, when not managed and when the one with it is unwilling to help himself, to fully acknowledge the complications, stress and the total dysfunction that it places on those around him. It means everyone in the family suffers from adhd.

My partner of 4yrs now, who I love so very much despite all the negative I’m about to tell you. He not only has adhd he has schizophrenia, depression and has spent most of the past 10yrs on drugs. He loves me very much too and is sort of trying hard to make our life better, happier.

The worst part would be the drug usage, and the lies and dysfunction that come with it. If he could get control over it, and shared the same view I have. One that is drug free, I believe the other medical issues we have would not be so draining, stressful and just plain unbearable at times. But he can’t even admit to himself that he is a drug addict and has well and truly lost control of it. He can’t see how it is destroying us. How it steals your soul, and although whilst on the high it gives the illusion that it is helping you to get through what ever it is you need help with. And gives the illusion that it fixes your problems and makes your life better. In reality it is robbing you of any true happiness, and giving you a life not worth living. It causes hate, resentment, greed, lies, and doubt in your relationship. And lets not forget the anger and violence it causes. It is making us people who we are not. It is destroying us and making us destroy each other. Not only are we bruised and battered on the inside, because of the drugs we are now quiet often bruised and battered on the outside, we are left with ugly black and purple marks and scars which we hide from the world. And while all this is going on two beautiful, innocent, confused and scared children are holding their breaths in the shadows. I see all this and I desperately want it to stop. I’m so over the cycle, we just keep going round and around. I know I have the strength to say no more, but unfortunately my partner doesn’t seem to see any of this, nor does he have the strength to stop. I pray and hope and dream of a different life. A life I have been fortunate enough to have glimpses of. A month here or two or three months there, sometimes only a day or two here and there. Those days and months although so few and far between were all I wanted in life. They were my dream come true, my happiest days. Life in our household was and had everything that we need on those days. Well for almost all of us. One of us was only pretending. That’s why it doesn’t last long, he can only keep pretenses up for a while. Then he runs back to where he feels comfortable, his viscous cycle of drugs and sleeping, depression and darkness. Always in the dark.

I keep telling him what I want out of life. What type of life I want to live. The type of person I want standing beside me. And if he can’t be what I need and want or doesn’t want to be that, then we have to go our separate ways, partially or completely. But he won’t leave, he won’t be what I want and I am dying because I am powerless to change my environment, powerless to change my children’s environment, powerless to live my life to a standard acceptable to myself, powerless to fix my unhappiness and misery. It is all his way, and his way has destroyed me. I try to compromise and he doesn’t like what I want so nothing changes. He sees I’m miserable yet is happy to continue giving me a miserable life. It is becoming to the point where I was with my ex. I am starting to resent him, dislike him, and as sad as I am to admit it, my love is fading. I don’t admire him any more, I don’t idolize him any more, all the little things are becoming big things and annoying me. Making me dislike him. My smiles have become fake. That is really sad and makes me cry to think about. My smiles are fake. I swore I would not stay in another relationship were I feel like this. Not after I felt so good when I first meet him and for 3 years. He made me smile like no one else has, but not for a long time now. I was sure I was strong enough to not be in this position again, but here I am. To dam scared to just end the relationship, so scared of the unknown, desperately and pathetically hoping he is my gift from god, my savior, my soul mate,my support, my one person who I can trust, rely on, draw strength from, who believes in me, loves me, who I’m proud of and together we build a life I dreamed of, the turning point in my life where things turned out great for me. Where finally the good karma came my way. I so desperately want a life like everyone else. A life similar to the one with my ex, but with a man I absolutely adore and love and am so happy to tell people how proud of him I am, tell them how truly good to me he is, how he loves me so, how I am truly happy. (without the fake smile and lying in my heart ) And I so desperately want it to be him, I don’t want any one else. He is the man I want, but without the drugs and adhd and schizophrenia. How long will I carry on like this, how long will I live in misery again. It destroys me, this whole charade I’m living. I feel so pathetic, weak, disappointed, angry that I have allowed this to happen again, so angry for putting my children through this. Suffering, miserable, hurt, lonely, let down, living a lie all because I just can’t bring myself to hurt him. I don’t want to cause him pain, I don’t want to leave him lonely. I know he won’t survive well without me. He will make my life even more miserable with his anger. And when he is on drugs and feeling hurt and betrayed, he does things to hurt me, to cause me trouble, he’ll stalk me, come into my home whenever he wants, play mind games with me, he will walk all over me and quiet frankly I don’t think I’m strong enough. He is to smart for me and he will make me pay for leaving him. Off drugs of course he is no such nightmare. But if I leave him he’ll be on it all most all the time as he won’t be able to cope with me leaving. And I don’t want this, I don’t want to leave, but I have nothing left to give, I can’t support him any more. And I can’t keep living in such unhappiness, while he continues to offer me a miserable life and most of all while he continues to lie to me and to let me down.

These are really hard times for us all. I have no idea what it’s like to be him. I feel really sad for him. And wish I could just fix it but I can’t. I just get to stand by and watch, in frustration, anger, resentment, disappointment and loneliness. Meanwhile all these feeling are eating away at me. I spend most days when he decides to sleep for a week or more with my insides churning. I can’t stand what he is doing, I can’t even express how much I hate it. He literately comes out to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and use the toilet and that’s it. It drives me crazy, disappoints me and makes me despise him for not being energetic and having a plan and wanting to do something and I can’t go into my bedroom, it’s always in the dark. That I really struggle with, he keeps the curtains closed constantly. I love sunshine and day light, I need it, it helps to chase away my depressive thoughts and negativeness. It makes me feel good, alive and happy. And he robs me of it. And if I ask him to go home and sleep it ends up with me the bad person and me crying and miserable and he just goes and sleeps some more or he does go home because we fight so bad and he just gets on the drugs so he doesn’t have to deal with anything.

This is how I feel most of the time. Although I know he is trying, progress is extremely slow. It’s like one step forward and hundred back. And the steps forward are few and far between. It depresses me and disappoints me. I know it’s not realistic but I want that magic pill that will just fix everything in a short time. I spend most of my time in despair that we will never have a non dysfunctional family life. I am also extremely lonely. I feel my life and who I am has been shredded beyond recognition. He is so difficult on so many levels and I’m not really sure this is what I want for my life. I don’t want constant struggle, hard work unhappiness. He is like my third child, he is a burden on me. How am I going to hold on to the love I have for him when I feel such an overwhelming strength telling me its not what I want. It’s all hard work, pain, hurt, tears, effort, frustration, anger, just 100% miserable, for very little reward. I know he loves me, but it’s not enough for me. I’m not that person, I wish I was, but I need things too and my needs don’t get met. I have a way I do things how I need thing so I can get by in this life and they come second to him. I spend all my life, effort, focus trying to accommodate his needs, yet mine don’t matter. And for all I do for him, for us. The support and appreciation is only there maybe 5% percent of the time for me. And the support for him is dwindling also. After giving him everything I could to help and support and just be there for him, for 4 and a half years I know the past few months he is also lacking in support I’m struggling to be there for him when I am so destroyed personally. It feels pointless as my resentment and weariness grow stronger my will to be there for him fades. I’ve given up a lot, to try and make him happy, my children suffer they almost always come second to his needs, they have to live in an environment with someone they don’t really like.(they like him when he is
‘normal’, focused and seems content and happy to participate in life, but days when he is like this are minimal) My son struggles to understand why I drop everything for him when all we do is fight and he makes me so miserable and upset. He is always saying “Are you OK mum, you sure?” And I have to struggle with the guilt that I know I’m not making the best and right decisions for my children. I have no friends any more, My partner has no friends and never socializes or wants to go out never once in our relationship has he come with me to a social engagement that were for my friends (which I used to have) and only once really which was for my brothers wedding. I don’t socialize any more, I’m not who I was three years ago. I am scared of the future, we have no goals.( and if we try to make them he starts off well, then they just fall in a heap, or he just binges for weeks and sleeps for weeks and I’m just expected to put my whole life on hold) The result of the constant mayhem that is our life for me the whole lot has just manifested itself into a profound grief. I am suicidal often however I know I can’t leave because I just couldn’t do that to my children. And the thought of keeping myself going for everyone else and in the environment we have now is overwhelming me and really frightening me. It’s not fair. I have my own problems and no support. And I know he means well and does love me, but he can’t get past doing what he wants, or what he needs to be there for me. I stay with him because I love him and desperately want to help him find contentment and true joy and be his rock and the thought of not having him by my side brings feeling like I could never imagine, horrible, sick in the stomach, how will I cope feelings. But at what cost to myself. Life with my partner is like living in a rainy climate. It’s mostly gray and dreary, but once in a while the sun comes out and the world is a beautiful, happy place. I know I should be doing a lot of things different and I know a lot of my responses and attitudes probably make it less likely for him to respond in a positive way. But I feel I have no control, it feels I am being dictated by whether he is managing all his conditions or not. And he refuses to accept that most of our troubles are because he can’t manage his conditions. I understand he is not his symptoms, that he is the most beautiful, caring, loving, driven man I know (hence why I stay and try so hard) but the adhd man and the drug addict man I hate. But he is not willing to deal with and accept the symptoms and accept that they are destroying us. So until he does there is no point to me being there, supporting him, losing myself and my happiness for him. Because nothing will change.

At the beginning of us and when times are good, I pictured us being an awesome team, tackling problems together, building a life together, growing together, supporting each other, being equals. I expect the day to day relationship issues and problems, but I was not prepared for the problems that have come from being with my partner. After time I began to realize that my partner isn’t supportive, he is distant and unemotional, he heavily uses drugs and that’s just the beginning. I feel confused, frustrated and very disappointed. I think often, how can this be my life, I deserve so much more, why does he want to put such problems on me, when he clearly is a train wreak. How can he stand by and watch me suffer, cry, lose who I am, the woman he feel in love with, instead of taking his problems and leave me be. I am so worn down all the hopes and dreams I had about us, about our future are slipping away and becoming just that…dreams. I just don’t have the energy to pursue them any more.

I have become someone I don’t like. I have become a girlfriend I don’t like. I’m not getting the life I dreamt of, or the one he promised me. I am exhausted, and am tired of going round in circles with no promising changes. There for I have become a miserable, resentful, nagging girlfriend, who to him must just seem unsupportive and a kill joy to the life he wants to live. But he won’t accept that he has to make the changes, that he is extremely difficult, that he makes my life harder instead of working together, that his adhd, and drug addiction are the cause of most of our woes.

So if according to him, it all depends on me, it’s all up to me to change my expectations and do things differently. Then I guess I’m just not a big enough person to do it. And I need to walk away. I can do a lot, and I can do more than a lot of people, I am strong willed, and I can work hard and make really hard changes to better myself and my life…………But I can’t do all that for someone else and I simply can’t do everything.